I read this blog post
about weakness as a strength and it has been tumbling around in my head
ever since. I thought it was an interesting perspective and at first I
thought I disagreed. I really enjoy reading Adrienne's thoughts and
they are inspiring. There have been several that have made me dig down
deep and really look at things I have not looked at for awhile. To pick
up things that have gotten dusty and brushed them off to see what is
underneath all the dust.
I have been composing a
response the last few days and just now I went to re-read the post to
make sure I address all the different things I disagree with and now I
have picked up on some things I didn’t notice the first time. So, maybe
it is not that I disagree but instead that a person needs to have people
to be ok with them showing vulnerability. I know from experience and
observations of others that the same behavior or traits is not
acceptable in everyone. It could be a positive trait or negative. One
person might get away with being lazy because they are very charming.
While another person might be just as lazy but not charming so they
don’t get away with it. (There are many examples but that is the first
one that came to my head.) So, in order to show vulnerability a person
needs people that support in that way, not saying that people can’t be
supportive in other ways, but in order to feel comfortable showing
vulnerability a person has to have the other person think it is ok. I
realize now that that is what I haven’t had. I have grown up with people
always expecting me to be the strong one and to not complain or be
vulnerable. So, since people expect that of me if I show the smallest
bit of vulnerability they don’t react positively. I have shown it in
trust, but many people have abused my trust over the years (taking that
vulnerability and using it against me to get something they want) and it
has actually widened the gap rather than bringing us together. I
am a person that will trust easily when I first meet people, but if you
hurt my trust it will take a long time to ever get it back. But for
this post if I don’t even dwell on when I was growing up but just in the
last 3 years I see that I am still expected to be strong.
Last
fall I reached out to a few people about some problems, letting just a
tad of vulnerability show and the response I got from all of them was
that I needed to be stronger. I know that I have always been friends
with people older than myself and most of the time people think I am
older than I am, so I think sometimes people forget that I am not as old
as they are. The people I turned to are older than me and have lived
overseas much longer than me and have way more experiences than I have.
So, I don’t know if they have forgotten being fairly new to overseas and
what they really felt like experiencing problems or they really think I
am just a wimp for thinking that the problems I have experienced are
bigger than stubbing my toe. After showing just that tad bit and getting
that response I haven’t shown any more because I know now with those
people it is not welcome.
Even with
the death of my grandpa earlier this month I stayed strong and didn’t
show how much of an effect it had on me. I went to work every day and if
it hadn’t been for one person who I finally told because she was
perceptive enough to pick up on my wearing all black and looking not so
upbeat, no one would have ever known. I was still given that it happens
to everyone and it is just part of living overseas. So, I stayed strong
at school and waited until I got to my house where no one could see me
before I gave into my tears and sadness.
I
rarely show vulnerability to people back home. They think that I am
brave to be living overseas and many of them admire that I had the guts
to do it. I rarely post about problems I have experiences living
overseas or I joke about it like it is no big deal because I am trying
to show strength to those people back home. I don’t want them to think
it is hard and I can’t handle it. I don’t want people to feel sorry for
me. (There is more of a back-story there for another time.) I have
friends who a missionaries in Africa and they tell people back home
about the good and bad, but for them it is ok. People are ok with it and
send them words of encouragement. I wonder sometimes if they weren’t
missionaries would they still get words of encouragement when they deal
with a difficulty living overseas.
I took a risk awhile back and showed some vulnerability on my blog after I was inspired by the Where am I from poem.
I have had lots and lots of people read that poem, but not a single
person has left a comment. It has made me a little nervous. There has
been no encouragement and I don’t know what people think. I don’t know
if they see it as positive thing or negative thing. Part of me wishes
that I had never been caught up in the moment of writing a poem for the
first time in years and the encouragement to post it on my blog.
Sometimes I worry that it will have a negative impact on me, but it is
there for all to see. Even if I took it down now, so many people have
already seen it.
For
the last few months I have been trying to make a big life decision. It
has been hard. I have thought that people back home might think that I
am not strong if I choose path A over path B. I have also thought about
the people that I look up to overseas that they will think I am not
strong enough if I choose path A. But then I realized that to the people
I look up to overseas I am just a small blip on their screen and they
are not my support system. They do support me in some ways and are a great PLN, but they don't provide it in some areas where I need support. We are in different places in our lives and
have different ideas about things, so I shouldn’t make a decision based
on how I am worried that they will view me as weak. As for the people back home,
well I have done what most of them have only dreamed about and when I
am an old lady looking back at my life I will have no regrets. I have
done all the things that I set out to do. Now I can just enjoy the rest
of life’s ride. So, it shouldn’t matter then what they think of my
decision. I also have a better support system back home. There are those
people that I can be vulnerable with: my parents, brother, and best
friend who always have my back whether I am strong or weak.
So,
my take away is that for some people it is ok to show vulnerability and
for others it is not unless they have someone who is ok with that and
gives them the support to be vulnerable.
Hi Melanie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this very long and thoughtful post. I'm touched that this concept has affected you too; it certainly has me, as you already know.
I wanted to add a bit about the idea of being vulnerable. I think there are different ways of being vulnerable, if that makes sense. Vulnerability isn't necessarily just about having struggles, going through difficulties, etc., though that is certainly part of it. I think of it more as being susceptible to problems -- and the acknowledgement that you can't always be as strong as you want to be.
Sometimes, asking for help is a way to be vulnerable. But other times, it isn't. It all depends on the how and the why. (Which is what you're getting at, I think.) For example, telling someone I'm having a really hard time could just come off as me being whiny if I don't have a clear purpose in mind for why I'm telling that person.... and I am *very* guilty of that! I come from a family of complainers. Complaining isn't showing my vulnerability; it shows my inability to think positively and resourcefully about my situation.
However, if I tell someone that I'm having a hard time and succinctly articulate the problem, then ask for advice -- while admitting I'm lost and don't know what to do -- that's showing a vulnerable side, I think (again, remember I'm kind of new to this).
I think it's the difference between me saying, "OMG this restaurant is terrible and the servers never bring me what I ask for! I really don't know what to do!" and saying "I always have such a difficult time when I order here. I find it confusing and I think I mustn't be doing it properly. Do you know how? Can you show me, or can I listen to you first?"
(again, take this all with a grain of salt -- I am still learning!)
As for your poem - it was an incredibly brave thing to post. It's *always* brave to post poetry. I know I saw a few tweets about your poem -- not just from you! So why do you think people haven't read it? I wouldn't fret. Think about how many people you know who find poetry inaccessible (the average person does NOT read poetry in his/her spare time!). I doubt that people haven't read your poem, but rather I suspect that most people don't know how to respond to poetry, period.
I'll add to that by saying that if you *want* feedback on it, don't be afraid to ask for it. :) Again, sometimes that can be a very humbling experience... and can be even more difficult than posting it in the first place, right? That's because poetry is so personal... and many are reluctant to respond for that VERY reason -- they don't want to hurt your feelings. So, you have to choose very carefully who you ask. And maybe that feedback doesn't need to come to you publicly? I know I find it very daunting. I post my poetry online, but not a lot of it, and while I admit that I love seeing the number of views, I rarely - if ever! - ask for feedback on it publicly. I've had lots of feedback on my poetry, but nearly all of it has been private, via trusted friends, lovers, and established writing groups... unless you count my students, who have been brutally candid! :)
Anyway, I'm close to rambling now, but just wanted to share. I'm not sure if anything I've said helps ... or makes things worse! But I wanted you to know you're not the only one who worries about this stuff. :)
Thanks Adrienne for your thoughts. Yes, it does help. You are right about the poetry, maybe I don't want comments to be public and should give someone a private way to share if the person wants. I shared it with my best friend and am still waiting for her feedback.
DeleteYes, I do think there are different ways to be vulnerable. I think most recently, in the last few months, it has been asking for help, not complaining, with things that I don't have much experience with. Asking for ideas and advice as to how to improve myself or deal with those struggles or experiences that are new to me. I think in order for it to be a strength the person being vulnerable has to have the other person not see it as a weakness and is supportive.