Looking Back at 2013

2013 has been a very challenging year. With just the way things worked out I spent Christmas 2012 and New Years 2013 by myself in Indonesia. It was a very long and boring holiday break. The house that I was living in had some problems and so I spent most of the break putting up with that as everyone else was on holiday. January I was back to school and gave notice that I would not be returning for the 2013-2014 school year. February I went with some colleagues to Yogjakarta for Chinese New Year, while there I got word that my grandpa was in the hospital and not doing well. Not long after I got back I got in a small fender bender on the way to work. In March I started looking for a new job and my grandpa died so I was up in the air about whether I wanted to continue to live overseas or come back to the US for a couple of years. I had left fairly quickly when I got the job in Malaysia and my parents packed up my house. I only had two weeks from the time I found out about the job until I got on the plane and left, so I had left many things undone and hadn't been back to the US the entire three years I was overseas. It was hard when my grandpa died as I had not been able to fulfill my promise the previous summer and come home for a visit after two years overseas because I only had two weeks in between the two jobs to move from Malaysia to Indonesia. I then promised to come up summer 2013. The day he died I got a card from him and my grandma in the mail saying how excited they were to see me summer 2013. It was very hard to be overseas and not be able to go back for the funeral. Luckily we have the Internet and Facebook, so I was kept in the loop as much as possible. Spring kept me busy with my job I had in Indonesia and looking for a new job, plus trying to figure out how I was going to move my stuff or what I was going to do with it. I got a few job offers overseas but I decided that I should return to the US for a couple of years. All of the new jobs started quickly after my job at the time ended and it wouldn't be enough time to come home to see family and deal with many of the things that had been waiting to be taken care of while I was overseas. So, I decided to start looking for a job back in the US. Overseas it is quite common to do Skype interviews, but back in the US most people want to interview in person so that made it quite challenging. I did some Skype interviews, but most of the people had a hard time with Skype. I came back the end of June and continued applying and looking for a job. I had some interviews and accepted a position at my current school the end of June. I went to Jackson Hole for a week vacation the beginning of July. Got back and tried to go through everything in storage and tie up loose ends in a week before I was off to my new job as they started the end of July. This first semester has been very challenging. The school is making lots of changes and many things have changed in the three years I was gone. There is lots and lots for me to learn. Planning periods are very short, so I spend many hours outside of teaching at school. I switched positions the middle of second quarter as another teacher left and they thought I was the best person to step into that role. While I do enjoy my new teaching position very much, it has been a challenge trying to figure out what the previous teacher did and make sure I am covering everything. Plus, doing sub plans for the long term sub in my old position and other things that person needs help with. It has made for very long hours, usually until 9p.m. every day and most of the day on Saturdays and Sundays. (There is lots more to it than that, but I don't want to share everything.)  Part of me still feels like I am in a foreign country as I still am mostly connected to people through the Internet still. I am school most of my waking hours so I haven't really met people outside of work. Thanksgiving was great though because I got to go to Oklahoma City and see my brother, meet his girlfriend and our parents also came. I hadn't seen my brother since Christmas 2009. Christmas break I came back to Wyoming to see my parents, brother and only living grandparent, my maternal grandma. It has been a very relaxed Christmas and after three years away I am glad to be spending the time with my family. I also got to see my best friend and one of her sisters, who I haven't seen them since 2009 either.

Loss

Loss happens in everyone's life. It is an inevitable part of life and no one is exempt from it. My paternal grandma passed away my first year of teaching. It was hard because even though I was out to see her that Christmas I felt guilty that I was so far away. My paternal grandpa died when I was one, but I have been very close to my other three grandparents. Family has always been more important to me than friends because they have always been there for me and they love me no matter what. My grandparents have never done anything to hurt me. I have never fought with my grandparents. I love my parents and brother and they are also just as important, but I will say that we have fought about things, but we did live together 24/7 for years. I was around my grandparents though a fair amount, so I had plenty of opportunity to fight with them, but I never did. When I went to college I was only a thirty minute drive from my paternal grandma and some weeks I would see her four or five times in that week. Except for two summers I had never lived more than two hours from her and I saw her as much as I wanted, which was often. Anyway, I saw her Christmas 2006 and she was happy to see that I had finally become a teacher. She was hoping to see me get married and have children, but I told her I wasn't ready for that yet. She missed my grandpa a great deal. I told her that it was ok to go and be with him. Her last sibling passed away in February. She did good until May and then it was a quick end. Just over the course of one week. She died on my best friend's birthday, May 5th. I also had to chaperone prom, so it is not something I will forget. I had a feeling when I woke up that morning that my Dad would call me with the news, and just an hour later that is what happened. Even though I was a two day drive away, luckily I was able to get a flight and be back for the whole week. That was very important to me to be there with my family and for my Dad.


Fast forward to 2013. February 10th (Indonesian time) I was with some friends on a quick Chinese New Year trip to Yogjakarta when I got the news that my grandpa hadn't felt well and went to the hospital. He had a heart attack but they were slow in diagnosing it, so by the time they did there was way too much damage. Over the next couple of weeks they found that surgery was not possible and medicine didn't help. I was able to talk to him a few times on the phone. Now that I am in Indonesia it is way too far to go back and too expensive. I looked at flights and it was $7,000 for 36 hours there and 36 hours back with the ability to take five days off. Tuesday March 5th (Indonesian time) I woke up with the feeling that once again I would be receiving the news that the end had come. When I was at school I got an e-mail that I had mail. One being a letter from my grandparents. I love letters and I look forward to them. It was a Valentine's Day card from my grandparents. The last one from the two of them. In it they said they were so excited to see me this coming summer and hear all about my adventures. I had promised to come for a visit last summer but when I took my new job there was only two weeks in between the two jobs and definitely not enough time to go for a visit and move to a new country. So, I had to change my promise to visiting them this coming summer (so it has been 3 years since I last saw them). A few hours after that my grandpa was gone. I know they are proud of me and supported me in my dream of being a teacher and teaching overseas for a few years. It has been hard since then. I know it is hard for everyone when they lose a love one. I do struggle with being away from my family right now and missing out on the funeral and internment. Of being there for my Mom and being surrounded by love. Luckily there is Facebook and so my family created a closed group where they have shared pictures with me of the two services. I am not much of a hugger but would love a hug from my parents. One of the teachers in the primary part of my school did organize a bouquet of flowers, including purple roses (my favorite and she didn't know that). That means a lot to me. I am not sure if it is a cultural thing or just the people that I am around, but here there is very little sharing of personal lives. If the one friend hadn't been with me on the trip when I first got the news about my grandpa and wondered why I looked so sad (the day he died) and asked and then passed it on to others, no one would have known. Very few people know.

I know that life goes on. Just looking at the bouquet of flowers I was given I can see that. While most of the flowers are withering and dying two flowers are just blooming. I am sure the day my grandpa died that others were born into this world. I know the pain will lessen as time goes on. I also think about the fact that one day I will be in my Mom's shoes and she and my Dad will be the ones to pass away, but I hope that is not for years to come. It seems more real the older I get. I will say that I was lucky that I have been so close to my three grandparents and they have all lived to ripe old ages. They have all seen me grow to be an adult. I have lots and lots of memories of them. There is that saying most people know that "it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all". I remember at one point when I was younger I disagreed with that statement, but now I realize that it is true because it would make a very lonely life indeed if I never loved anyone.